Love is Suicide

An amazing revelation has come over me.

As much as I wish for love, as hard as I look. I'm beginning to feel like maybe it won't happen. Someday possibly, but at the moment, all my attempts at any form of relationship with a woman just falls to the floor like a crumpled piece of paper. After I spend so much time carefully folding and creasing said paper into a swan. It returns to me in a crumpled up ball, and I've tried. I must not give up, I suppose.

This is so hard though, I haven't had to jump into this sort of thing in a long long time. And it's not easy getting back into it. I will continue trying however, there are many many women out there, many of whom which I would love to be with and vice-versa. I just need to find one of them, see how it goes. And move on from there.

Until next time,

Keep you chin up
A smile on your face
It'll be worth it
It's going to be great

Bum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Life's a Beach

Been so long.

Life's dramas and stresses crashed down upon my soul and I stood there in it's wake. Staring it down as it fell upon me. It slowly passed, and it caused pain and torment, but I did not budge. I have not given up on life, and I shall never give up on life so easily as that. After the waves were merely puddles around my feet, I did not turn around to watch it leave. I moved forward. And I will ever move forward from here on out.

I began to walk down my beach, barefoot, sand squishing through my toes, the sounds of waves erupting behind me. I made it past my storm, and no matter how minute it may seem in the coming years with a whole life ahead of me. It was harsh, it tore away at my skin, and suffocated my mind. And it seems like it isn't ready to give up on me, but it will not succeed. I will prevail and I will stay ahead of it from here on out. I look ahead to the distance. There are trees. Groves of them, and suddenly I feel calm inside, my emotions flood out of me in great waves of relief, and I feel fine.

Before I enter the forest, I ask myself whether or not I should look back once more at the beautiful nightmare I had left behind me. But the trees, so full of life and a newness that I was eager to discover were too enticing. And besides, it's not as if there was anything left for me from the beach other than that torrential storm . And no matter how pleasing that beach may have been at one point, there are new places to see. And oh how I want to see these new sights, take in their beauty, feel at peace and be happy again.

In my life, I will encounter many people. I will love. I will be loved. I will make love. And I will be happy. Life's too short to ruin things so early in the beginning. For that beach I left behind. I hope one day, it is able to be as beautiful as it was for me to somebody else who will enjoy it as much as I did. My future lies elsewhere. And as I begin to step into the forest, I raise a hand to my side and flash the peace sign over my shoulder to the beach. And I raise my other hand as I enter my new surroundings, as my other drops, and I wave to the new faces. And for the first time in a long time, I smile with true happiness.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Trillian Bajillion

My father snores...makes it hard to sleep..

Nuff said.

Except...I love you my Sho. My beautiful woman, the love of my life.

Stay Strange

StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Smart Roast Coffee

So here I am just outside of Tucson in Busbee, Arizona. Just a little family vacation to Kartchner Caverns..which I need to say was quite stunning. It's been a long time since I've seen such an amazing piece of nature. I plan on taking my Sho to a cave now, I want to see more of them, it's really an amazing thing to witness in person and I know that Sho would love to tour through one, it's dark and quiet and just absolutely amazing.

Otherwords...I love having free internet, high-speed too..wewt!

So yeah...I will get back on later to type up a bit more info about all that is going on. Peace out.

Stay Strange

StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Lifeless and Reluctant

So it seems that things are much better between Sho and I. We haven't really been arguing, not much. And if we did, it's only because one of us was in a bad mood and we eventually saw what the other was feeling and it was fine.

WE HAVE LOVE DAMMIT!!!!!!

And that's all that matters to me, is her.

I thank god every morning I wake up and every night before bed that I have her in my life. Without her, I would be a total wreck, destroying myself probably with depression and abuse. I really wouldn't have anything to live for without her being in my life. So yeah, thank you god, you have answered my prayers to bringing me happiness once more.

And for you Sho, god I just love you so much. Bear with me right now, I know I'm being clingy and stuff, but when all I get is able to talk with you on the phone I just can't get enough. Once you are back and in my arms, I will chill out, don't worry. And I know you still must be weary at times about my love and devotion for you, don't be, I am completely 100 and 10 thousand % devoted to you..haha. Not a second goes by without my mind being stuck on you. Every step I take, will be one step forward to showing you this, to showing you that I mean it and that I want to spend my life with you. And it will start off with a little gift here and there...and my car. The next big step will be when we get around to moving out, and I am dead serious about getting that done as soon as possible. We just have to wait until the time comes when we are able to do that.

The moon glows and I see your smile,
and every second with you is worthwhile.
Not a thing will get in my way this time,
listen to my words and I know you'll find,
just how much I really love you.
Just exactly how much I truly care,
my heart beats your name through and through.
God knows I love you, he knows we are a perfect pair.
Listen to my sweet sappy song,
and gaze in the mirror look upon my muse.
Our lives will start before to long,
that's a fact it's not just a ruse.
Feel my love it's warmth is great,
I feel yours and it makes me happy.
The love we share is enough to celebrate,
it's overwhelming and fills me with glee.

Damn I just love you so much. It's unbelievable. I wish there was more I could do to show you, haha. But all I can do for now is let you know, I love you, I care for you, I cherish you, I belong with you and once again.....

I LOVE YOU!

Stay Strange

StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Shallow Alaska

Man..how fucking hectic my emotions can become sometimes..I completely fucking broke down today. I think part of it was because I was having bad nic-fits and also because I just felt, I guess, shunned. I know Sho loves me and cares for me deeply. But she sure knows how to fuck over my emotions too, and I guess it's my fault for being too emotional sometimes, but damn.

I just really love her greatly, and I don't ever want anything to bring us apart again. And it seems like I might become that downfall, I really need to become more stable, but I've been through so much with her, I can't fucking help it. Hopefully I can better myself for her. I know I can, but I want to quickly.

It's not exactly easy
I've been here before
My stomach feeling queasy
As I'm reaching for the door
I just want to get out
Get back to my love
But as much as I may shout
It never is enough
I'm killing myself to leave
But I'm not dying on her
A bit further and I'm free
And my feelings sum up in a word
Love, that's what I feel
It's right there before me
It almost isn't real
Even though I can see
I'm out of that black hole
The door was open, her inside
Her love makes me whole
My love for her I confide
I reach for her hand
She pulls away, and why
I pull myself to stand
As I stare into her eyes

"I love you, my dear
You helped me through it all
I got past my fear
and up over my wall"
A smile across her face
A warmth rushes my veins
Beside her I take my place
And then we hold hands
We march out of darkness
Towards a bright future
It's song, beautifully hearkens
Our love, made so pure

Stay Happy

OddBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Hold is Like Hell

Here I am, stuck on hold. Kill me.

Talking with someone special and very dear to me though, my Sho. How I very deeply love and care for her.

Typing with one hand is a hindrance.

I really love her so much though, I'm constantly just overwhelmed with feelings of love and happiness now and she is the source of it all. Sho means the world to me, more than the world to be honest.

Dammit, fuck hold, fuck one-handed typing, I am not a fucking cripple. I'm just tired, cranky and want to shower.

StayStrange

Fuck'pleasehold'Bum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Inside a Broken Mind

Inking on my soul, a touch of gray

A lost light finds it's way

Beaming brilliantly, shining so bright

Fluorescent flames flicker their light



I've become to start to feel better about life, things seem to be looking up. I hope that this isn't just a false hope though, I really want to be happy again and be able to give happiness. I know that I can, I'm always confident in myself. Please god, I've prayed to you so much as of late, let this work out please.



I had the lucky experience of being able to live alone this weekend as my family was on a vacation. I felt liberated I guess you could say and it's really excited me about getting my own place and getting a life started. And I know just the girl that I want to start that life with, and I'm not able to fathom it being with anyone else other than her. I love her dearly, we have had our spouts and our differences but nothing has changed, the love that was there since the very beginning is still there stronger than ever.



I feel like a prayer has been answered and I feel so remarkable. Mano de cristo has sincerely touched my soul and life and uplifted it.



Stay Strange



LiberatedBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

A New Leaf

Something just fell from the sky. A leaf with my name on it. I only spared it a glance, it looked like any ordinary leaf does, brown with the kiss of winter's death on it's lips. But then I looked more closely and the veins held hope, there was life in this leaf. I picked it up, I could feel the energy inside of it. It was a comforting feeling, so I planted this leaf. I planted it knowing that a leaf does not give life, but it only contains it. So with no hope I dug it a grave to lay it to rest. A tree sprouted from that small little grave, it's growing larger and larger as the time goes on. Days turn into seconds, weeks into minutes and years into hours. It's larger than life, this new tree, that sprouted from this leaf of life.



I sit underneath the tree, the warmth of energy that I held in my hand only moments before had become great. It surrounded me, I bathed in this life. It brought peace to my once diluted mind. I look towards the heavens between it's branches, the sun pours it's love down on the earth. And I can hear the voice of God whispering to me as the wind caresses over each new leaf. He says 'Quiet my son, relax my son, let me lull you to sleep. I shall bring you into the heavens with me, sit beside my throne and tell me your stories. But first, you must complete those stories, this is but a small chapter in your book. Now go, forget this place and don't come back, the pleasure, while not false, is also not truth. You must find the truth and write it in your book.'



And so I stand. I touch the tree, I even hug the tree, knowing that what it had given me was more than a man could ask for. I tell it goodbye, knowing that it could hear my words and take them in and continue. And so I walk off, not another glance backwards. I see new trees on the horizon and wonder what they may hold for me, I can sense both one energy fading, and yet so much more bustling with excitement waiting for me.



I will continue with this story of mine, and add chapter by chapter, until at long last when my time has finally come I will begin the last chapter of my life. But from my book, new books will arise, new stories will unfold to infinite measures. That is all one can do, and that is all that I, the storyteller, will do.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Open your eyes

Open up your eyes...



See the world around you and take in the sights...



'I can't. I just can't fucking do it.'



Heroism is a thing of the past...nobody is a hero anymore....



'I tried so goddam hard....what the fuck happened?'



Cyanide, gunshot, knife wound.....



Forgive....forget....for love....



'Kill me now, please oh god, just do it.'



A final goodbye, one final horrific memory....

Powered by ScribeFire.

Options...

I'm starting to wonder....

Life seems so abysmal, things are darker...things have changed.

I don't know who I am. I can't find myself anymore.

Oh, what a wonderful world................

Powered by ScribeFire.

So It Seems

I feel like I am not destined to be in a happy relationship.

I fucked up my chances with Sho once, so far to the point of her leaving me. And even after our departure from being with one another, I fucked things up again. In my last post I wrote some things that were hurtful to her, about me needing to find someone new. In retrospect I was wrong in what I had written. At the time, I felt so alone and lost and all I do in here is type my thoughts of the moment. I don't write a draft before coming in here to type anything, it makes it pure and unadulterated. Maybe that's the wrong way of going about it though. I never meant for it to seem like I had no feelings for her, I still care for her more deeply than ever. It's just that at that time, I had no hope in ever getting back together with her and I had no idea as to what I should do.

Yes I do want to be loved again, I want that feeling of having someone care for me. I would much rather that be Sho if anybody though. I don't just want some chick, I want her more than any other woman out there. And to her I apologize. Sho, I will never find another woman who cares for me and for whom I can care for the way we did. I will never be over you, all through my life you will be there in my mind and in my heart. Don't let my stupidity and rashness deter you from me. Leave me for now, I know you want and need to be away from me. I was not a great person to you. I don't want to move on from you yet. I honestly don't. I do not want to have to be in the dating scene, it scares me, quite frankly. Just know that no woman can ever replace what we had together. I will retain hope again, I know now that it may not be truly and completely over between us.

Again, I will wait for you. I will wait as long as I can. Time heals all wounds, but with time things change. Don't run back to me yet. Find yourself and find where your heart lies. If it doesn't lay with me, let me know. Tell me when the day comes, and push me Sho. Push me away, it may pain both of us, but it must be done. Push me out the door with no shoes and I will tread a path in the forest of life. Twisting and turning through the trees, dodging log and stone underfoot. I may meet you in there, somewhere in a clearing where all is at peace. I may not. I may end up in a forest fire, having to run back. I most certainly will come across all sorts of beasts, friend and foe. And I will take them as they come. But for now, I will sit on the edge awaiting your decision.

StayStrange

LostBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Number Thirty Nine

Wow...Sho and I are through. Completely done with one another, and yet we are still at one another's throats every now and then. Fucking, it sucks, we used to be such a great couple. Happy and in love, and now we can't even be friends and talk to one another without getting pissed.

So, other than that, I'm a bachelor now. I'm not sure what I am going to do. I guess I will be out on the prowl for a new woman now. I really don't want to rush into things though with anyone. I'm not the kind of guy who is just looking for his next 'fuck'. I don't think so anyways, I would like to think that I would like to find a woman to love and be loved by. I really hope that I can find that again too, maybe not now, maybe not ever. But I'm a hopeful type of person.

For now though, I guess I need to meet new girls, get to know them decide what to do once I meet some. For now...

Au Revoir

StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

You Choose

Greatness..what holds 'greatness'? There is no such thing as truly 'great', only the meek, the feeble. And yet, who holds not pride in himself, holds himself amongst the 'greatest'? All men do, it is his nature to feel like being, 'great', was meant for him. But no, it shall not happen, all men are doomed to a place of 'standard' and it's not that they failed at the better, but because they couldn't get there at all. As hard as a man may struggle, he will never be more than what he is. That is why in this world we must trust each to be as great as they say, because there is no way around it.

Depravity..noone wants it. So why take it, because you feel you deserve it. Wrong, all men are standard and average. If you think you are great, then we believe you are great.

Which sounds better?
Hint: It's the first one.

StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

A Bush will Burn

Life sure has a funny way of working out huh?

I'm not the complaining type, haha yeah right. But I'm happy, I'm enjoying things. I have my Shoga back in my life. That is all that matters to me.

I've told her so many times that I am going to pour my heart and soul into making her happier than she ever has been. And I honestly mean it, I'm going to do whatever it takes to give her a better life.

God knows how much I love her, how much I care for her, how devoted I am to her, how much I honestly and truly care for her. So I've just got to live and let live. She doesn't believe that I am her Lifemate anymore, but the day she told me about what that was I have never stopped believing it. It's going to take some time, and alot of work on my part to show her that it is still the truth, but you know what. That's fine, anything for her is okay with me.

My feelings for her are the most pure and honest feelings a person can ever expect to feel. I really hope that when she reads this that she knows that it is the complete and honest most purest truth that I have ever told.

My Shoga, I am entirely devoted to you and only you, I care for you, I love you.

StayStrange

Neither Half Full nor Empty

Sometimes things come into your life that can really skew your entire outlook on just about everything.



It happens to just about everyone, it's happened to me. But I'm not going to talk about details, things have changed though. It's hard to tell whether it's for better or for worse as of now.



I don't know how or why things happen. But they do for a reason and that is most certain, and I believe that if life throws you a curve ball, all you have to do is hit it out of the park and run with it. Go ahead, I know it's happened, take it, hit the ball and run. Now is your chance.



I'm done for now, enjoy life, take in every sweet moment and every excruciating pain as if you were to die in your sleep that night. The blink of an eye can bring on a world of change.



Stay Strange, Stay Happy



StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

x101

Dammit...I was hanging out with Sho and her brother last night. And we had fun, but my mind won't stop thinking of her in fiance mode. It's so difficult for me to act like I wasn't her lover for 1 year and 3 months this coming Monday. I will never stop loving her.



Sho, if you read this, and I know I've asked before. But if you want to get back with me, even if it's a while away, please just let me know. And remind me every now and then that you still love me and miss me and want me. I know it's kind of a lot to ask, but I think that if you just let me know more often I can handle all of this much better.



I know that if you give me another chance I can be better. I can make you happy again, I can give you the life you deserve. No more lies, or hiding things for either of us. That is what ruined us, keeping secrets from one another. No more of that bullshit. I need you in my life, Shoga. So if you do love me and want to get back together one day, I know not now, just please tell me. And remind me every now and then, things will turn out alright.



I love you so much, I need you so much, I will give you what you deserve which is only the best and I will be stay by your side always.



IluvyouBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Smiles and Giggles

I am officially a high-school graduate now.



I got my diploma last night. And I don't feel happy at all.



I came to the conclusion that my life is officially started now, and I feel like I have no future without Sho in my life now. I can't believe how horribly I fucked things up. I still hold hope for us though, we still love each other. She just cannot be with a man like me right now. So we are heading our separate paths now, I can only hope that again they will cross and we can be lovers again one day.



I still would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her....but it isn't happening as of now.



I will continue to pray, pray harder than I ever have before, that god will give me strength, and that he will give her hope of a better future with me.



I have hope.



HopefulBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Distress

I'm all alone.....



I'm all alone.....



I'm all alone.....



I'm all alone.....

Powered by ScribeFire.

Faux

I've come to the conclusion that I am a dumbass fuckup. I listened to people in vain, thinking that I understand better. I was horribly, horribly wrong.



I may have ruined my relationship completely with Sho, and I feel terrible. I was being selfish and greedy and just all around being an asshole about things. Why I didn't realize it sooner...I have no fucking clue. I just thought that things were better, but in fact I only made them worse.



So I hate myself entirely right now. I wanted nothing more than my old life with her back. And I may have blown it, dear god, don't let me have blown it though. From this point on, I will be giving her nothing but the space she desires. I still love her, I can only hope she feels the same for me.



Sho, if you do read this, just let me know. Text me, email, something. I won't respond if you wish, I would just like to know that you understand what I am saying here.



I won't ask for you to say you love me anymore, if you do though, I would like to know. It would help me get through this.



But I honestly hope that things work out the best for us both.



I love you ShogaKieran



FuckupBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Chapter 00: Aquiescence

Quick whispers

...ove you.......

Love.....you....

Running wildly through the dense forest......the moon and stars above shining fiercely through the canopy of trees. Fallen trees strewn about like a giants tossed salad as if the devil himself had thrown them in his way. He prayed a short sentiment to the god Fenris. He needed to run faster....he couldn't...he had no strength, the rain was coming down harder than ever...pieces of hale hitting him like stones. But he pushed on....she was in need, the forest came to a sudden stop as a cliff forms into the deep valley. He jumps.....a long freefall with wind rushing through his hair and over his skin. He was too tired for this, but he couldn't stop.....an invisible force pushes him forward. He pulls his hands inward towards his chest.....he draws a small glyph across it....suddenly a rift appears in front of him. It was a feeling he always hated....the feeling of being sucked through thick groggy water. The next he thing he knows he's back on his feet, all fours this time however, his golden slit-eyes seeing in the dark, sifting out the forest. His nose picked up a familiar scent......he changed direction accordingly. He didn't know how much further he needed to go...but it was irrelevant....he must continue.



Ooooo......this is fun isn't it?



ProseBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

PostMortem

Indeed...we have all passed on are typing from beyond the grave...it's compelling...it's terrifying.



Dancing leaves and twigs

A ballet between the two

Wind, an orchestra





Two young lovers, lives devoted

Quarrel in a bout of confusion

Despite both hearts having been betrothed

A bond of love still remains



The slightest touch, the skin excites

A sweet kiss softly loving

Wishing for the feeling to last nights

Another touch and they are in one another's arms



He whispers 'I love you'

So sweet and slightly in her ear

A response 'I love you too'

His heart stops and speeds



They are lifemates, their lives one

Their souls bound, their bodies given

The rest of their days has just begun

As one person, their lives completing the other.





Wow....just wow.....



PoeticBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Distress Signal

Oh my god...was I freaking out earlier...I didn't really know what came over me.



I feel so fucking idiotic for the way I reacted, Sho, I'm so sorry.



I'm sure that that is one of the reasons I don't make you happy anymore isn't it. Because I overreact, I'm sorry my mind goes into over-drive sometimes.



I will work on that, one more step for me to help make you happy again.



Two, I want to be a better friend, which goes along with step one. I want to be your friend, your best friend. That one friend that you can confide anything in, let me be that person.



Three, I need to not act on my own free will sometimes, I make dumb decisions under inaccurate guesses of the response. That means I will verify your opinion on any decision I would like to make.



Four, I need to work on being a better lover as well. And not just sexual, but being a loving man who shows he truly cares, with little gifts and surprises and little notes and things. This one should be easy, I love buying you stuff.



Five, I need to let you have this little period of aloneness, I understand much better now why you need it. Being alone is my number one fear, but I can still feel a strong connection between us, I believe that it's still there. It's just been all tangled up recently, I will untangle it. Won't you please help me?



Six, I love you.



Seven, I love you more.



Eight, I believe that we were meant for each other, and I know you will make whatever decision you want, but my thought is that you will trace that connection back to me, and once again we will be friends, lovers, One Being.



StayClose



FrostyBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Creativity in Life

Harsh times may come

Heavy rains may fall

Great lengths between us

But will overcome it all.



Good times will follow

Laughter and fun will ensue

I want our lives together

To live out my day with you.



Your touch sends shivers down my spine

The look in your eyes makes me weep

Not for sadness but for joy

I want to hold you and fall asleep.



You truly are an amazing woman

I can see myself with no other

It's true that we are soul-mates

And also that we are lovers.



StayStrange



StrangeLover

Powered by ScribeFire.

A Feeling Like No Other

So let's see.....things are awesome now.



I've updated this journal three time today each time getting a little better. But yeah...I was just talking to Sho and things seem to be really looking up. At least I think. She kind of got inebriated...haha it was funny talking to her, she kept laughing. But I told her that if it's stuff like that, then I will do it with her. And she told me she loves me and wants to spend her life with me. And things were looking really great.



I'm telling the world now too, I promise that I will give her a better life.



It's published and it's official...it always has been but I will make her life so much better...I just need her to be with me, and it seems like that might be the thing. Damn....I feel so fantastic right now...it's like pure happiness has swept over my heart and brought light and joy upon my heart.



Haha....I just accidentally threw my remote at my computer.........thank-you god.



Sho may not like hearing it. But i prayed to God and it seems like he answered my prayers, even though Sho had to kind of do stuff for it to happen. But I feel so much better. I hope that she feels better too. I really just want us to be happy together again. I miss that happiness so much. I miss her so much....I love her so much oh so so so so so much.



I love you my Little Love...my SweetPea.



StayStrange



EcstaticBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Keeping the Mass Proletariat as My Slaves

So anyways....things are still not going well in my life......I think though...I do think that myself and my love have made some leeway in our relationship. And I told her I would kill myself...not really...it's not that I wouldn't think it, in fact I have since this all started, but I won't kill myself....I'm not a coward like my uncle. I loved my uncle and he is a hero to me at times, but he took the easy way out. I'm better than that, and besides if I kill myself, I won't be able to stalk her if she does leave me, and I can't have some creep stalking her now can I? That made me laugh...on the inside though....



I've discovered that all the unhappiness in her life spawns not entirely from me...but also from school and her family. Her family being a number one torturer. I told her that I want to take her away, and I do...I wish for nothing more than to leave this whole fucking state with her and start our lives fresh. She seemed to like that as well, she said it sounded nice. And it really does sound nice, it sounds very nice. And I don't even care where we go, we could move to Texas, Alaska, Montana, Oregon, South Dakota.....anywhere she wants, as long as it's out of Arizona. I would love to move the both of us out of country, like Ireland, it would be so wonderful, she and I living on a small farm with acreage and she could open up her Veterinary clinic next door while I work from home doing Graphic Design for companies over the internet.



Bliss.



That would be so wonderful. But she still needs time. And I still need time as well.



I need to get my new car.

I need to get some money saved up.

I need to get both of our bags packed.

I need to get us the fuck out of this hell hole.

I need to get a brand new life started with my love.



Now change all of those "I need to get" into "I will" and you know what I'm doing.

You know my plan......it's easy enough, it will take time to enact it but I will get it done. I promised her that I would give her a happier, better life. And I will, it's been my life goal since we first started going out, I didn't know it yet then however. One thing I knew though was that I loved her...and I always will love her. Nothing will change that.



So if you read this Sho....remember those things. I promise you that I will make things better, you just have to wait a little longer, it's so close. It's too close to give up now. Things will be better and you will be happy. And I will see you everyday if you would like that. Just let me know.



I love you so dearly, so truly, so passionately.

No other man or woman will ever love you the way I do.



PhiloBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Emotional Teacup

I feel like this:



Nothing would mean more to me than to get her back.

Sleepless nights and waking nightmares.

I know I'm not a nice person all the time,

But she surely was my queen.

Any rough times and I was there for her.

Where is she for me, where is she for herself?

She is lost in the numb, love for me, long gone?





So basically....I just want her to know. I haven't given up on us yet. I am praying to God, I asked Sky and even Drupie to pray for us. I still love you, and if you really do still love me then you will come out of this and come back to me and we can be happy again. We can live out our lives together how we wanted too. I'm so confused though, you were so happy just 5 days ago, we were talking about kids, how you didn't want to have a son anymore you wanted a daughter. Remember shopping for Lily, and how you said you like the name Tala. Please, you must think back on these happy memories now and see that there is still happiness in your life, you are much too young to have lost hope and faith in life. We were happy together....why can't we be again. You just have to come to terms with this on your own time I suppose.



I will never give up on making you happy. You are my life.....you are my Lifemate. Take your time, I trust that when you decide you have had enough that we can be a couple again and that we can be happy. You just need to know these things........our love is true...it is infinite...it will never end...it will pull us through the rough times...it will lead us to the good times...it will hurt...but it will forgive...but most of all...it will continue to love.



LoveBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Breath No Longer, Air is a Depressant

It seems like just living is enough to bring people down. Shit happens, right, well if shit happens then can anything else really happen. No, not the way I see it....if shit happens, shit happens. Sorry, fun doesn't happen, love doesn't happen, joy doesn't happen.....just a big old steamy pile of shit. That's what happens.



You may be wondering, what happened to that fellow, so happy and random and in love. Well....let's just say that he still loves, but his heart aches of coldness, frozen by the loss of the fiery warmth of his mate's love. Instead, she wants to be alone and figure things out on her own, grasp for what she felt she was missing; this leaves her man also alone, but he did not wish for it. He only agreed to it for she wanted it, said she needed it and he loved her enough to not care as much as it tormented him inside.



Later on as he discusses things with his mate expressing his feelings about how it pains him so and how he wishes that they get back together, he asks a question needing a certain answer. He said "You will come back to me right, you just need some time alone. That's fine, all I ask is that you stay loyal, don't mess around with other guys." Simple right, she said in response "I can't promise that.".......WTF??? This man has been as loyal to her as sock to a shoe and she already betrayed his trust once, and then she goes and says that it may happen again. That sucks. Makes you wonder why people can be so hurtful, he just wants to love her and spend his days with her and have kids and get a house and stuff....all she wants is...well she doesn't know.



Here this man thought that things had settled down between them and that things were going just swell, they went mother's day shopping together and had dinner and had a good time. They watched a movie and went back to his place and fooled around and loved on one another and it was a wonderful time for both of them, at least he thought. Two nights later they were together, and again it was a great night, laughter and fun for the both of them. The love, the sparks, the fire still there, as far as he knows anyways. And now today, again it's been two days and he tries to talk to her, she ignores him, he gets worried, "Oh no...dear god...let her be alright" he mutters to himself. He tries to contact her again, she responds angrily and pestered, he doesn't understand. She's feeling sick and hurting, okay, understandable. He wishes her a good day and tells her he loves her more than anything and hopes that she feels better. She ignores him again. This time, he didn't understand, still doesn't understand, why she won't express her love to him. He breaks down a bit, that empty feeling in his stomach kicks in.



Later after work. She breaks up with him again. He feels depressed and wants to kill himself, if things don't seem to get better between the two of them, he may seriously consider it. His whole life revolved around her and he doesn't want to leave her side or hurt her ever again. She makes his life worth living and she takes it away. So now that man types up in his blog what happened in a third person narrative and begins to shudder and tears stream down his face, he misses her so bad and wants her love, but he doesn't know if he will ever have it again.



He cries...and cries....and sobs......only she is worth this pain he tells himself...he must endure if he wants her back........."Please dear God......my father who art in heaven....let her come back to me........let things work out between us. Please Father.......in the name of you son Jesus Christ, I pray......Amen" He prays....an unusual thing for him, but he prays, anything that might help.



The Pain



StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Seven What?

On this planet there are seven continents. In between these continents there flows the seven seas. Supposedly seven heavens, as well. Seven-up, a refreshing choice. Final Fantasy VII [seven, for the roman numeral illiterate]. I don't know what it is about seven but it seems to show up everywhere, even in this paragraph it shows up seven times. Not counting the Roman of course.



Aside from that slightly disillusioned excursion, the political war is beginning to manifest and quite frankly I'm scared. I will be 18 and a registered voter come this next election and I'm not sure if I really want to this time. Because neither Hilary Clinton [oh god] nor Obama seem to be the right type of people to be running the country at this time. If I had to choose, Obama would be my choice. He is charismatic and well spoken, but he needs to be tested first, he needs the debates between himself and Hildog. Which, she better not win, because as much as I love my little woman and as much as I respect women, they have no right being in such a position of power. It could just be the male in me, but I find that women let emotions get in the way of rational thoughts at time, and if that happens during, oh say, a crisis similar to Katrina or another [rather, the ongoing] war what will she do, how will she react?



Thats all I have to say, about that.



I lost myself for a few days, I lost everything about me, my identity, my love, my life, just everything. Things are looking better, at least I have the love of my life back, and she in turn let's me continue to live at least semi-normally until I can completely forgive and forget what she did. But things are working out really well, and I feel happier than I have in a long, long time. My new job is tiring, but I think it's worth it. I will have a new car in no time.



My plan:

Step One. Get a new car.  Step Two. Work off some of the car payments and save like a sailor.  Step Three. Move out.  Step Four. Marry my Lifemate.  Step Five. Live my life with her.



Easy enough, right? Wrong. Well...looking back at it yeah. It's just time consuming and money consuming. But then again, so is breathing pretty much now. So I'm done for the night, for all my [non]-existent readers, have a great weekend and I will catch you all later.



StayStrange



StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

A Break?

Well shit. Well shit. Well shit. Well shit.



Hello all you sirs and madams...welcome to the most wonderful place in the world...yes folks you heard me correct...the one...the only...Mind of StrangeBum. Oh yes, that's right, my mind. You've never seen anything like this before sirs...oh no...although I suppose by saying wonderful place, I kind of mean...well fucked up. Haha.



I got nothing.



So anyways, I'm not feeling at all to spiffy right now. No. Not at all. Quit BestBuy, me dreamjob since I was like fucking six but I got a new job full-time for a stone counter company. Oh yeah, it's a lame-ass desk job, sitting around drawing squares and rectangles and the occasional other polygon. You know, pentagons and hexagons and octagons and dodecahedrons. All that shiz and more.



Fuck you.



Do you ever get that intense feeling deep inside of your mind and in I guess your soul that something shitty is going to happen. I do. A long time ago, my fiance Sho met this dude at school whom I will refer to as GAWBCSF for the remainder of this post. So anyways, Sho and GAWBCSF hit it off pretty well, I didn't trust him around her. I knew from the beginning that he was an asshole and I didn't want her hanging around with him. Heh...I fucking knew it...he denied it...'I don't like her like that man'...'Shes cool, I only like her as a friend'...because I confronted him about the vibe he was putting out. Sho didn't listen to me about him and just now he fucking told her he loves her................I want to shove a rusty fork in his goddam eyes. I want soak his clothes in hydrochloric acid maybe even some lye. I want to put cyanide in his fucking soda. I want more than anything his suffering. Oh. And to make it all better, Sho wants to take a break from the relationship.....she tells me this about GAWBCSF and then 'Maybe we should take a break'.........................



StayStrange



StrangeFuckinBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

An Apology

I come to you all in need of a confession...a story...an apology.



I found love

I learned what love really is

I almost lost it

I nearly broke down in the process



I need it in my life

I need her by my side

I need to know she loves me

I need knowing she is in sight



I love this girl dearly

I view our lives as one

I never want to leave her

I like it when we have fun



For you Sho...I apologize...it seems that I always find some way to really screw things up.

I always do, but I at least feel like I make things alright once it's done and over with.

This whole affair was ripping my emotional fabric into pieces and I didn't know what to do.

I know you didn't really either...but at least I think I can patch both of our blankets of emotion back.

My love for you is everlasting, I no longer care about any other human being at all, you are my life.

Making you happy is my life mission...getting a child and spending my life with the both of you is part of that.

Please...love me forever also...love me for always...love me for eternity...until the day we die...until that day.



I love you Sho...my little love.



Your man,

StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Well...I suppose so.

I don't completely understand much at all.



Not a huge problem though, I'm happy enough. Sho makes me happy, she's about the only happy thing in my life most of the time honestly, occasionally there may be something that helps out. But I think that she is the only thing that really matters a when it makes me feel better. I really do love her.



I just got a new puppy, I named her Willow and she is so cute. I will get some pictures up on here soon. I really love that little pup. She makes me happy the way Sho does. My two girls. Making me feel like completely so fantastic.



I'm outta here though...tired. Need to finish irrigation.



Stay Strange



StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Early or Late?

As I lay here in bed...I wonder what life would be like had I not done some of the things I have done.



I was just watching Sin City on Starz and was like so excited, the movie rocks and then blam....Starz preview weekend ends. HBO is number 1 at the moment for extra channels though...Sopranoes.



When I was showering earlier I had the greatest...[maybe not]...idea. How cool would it be if people like yourself and I were able to take all of our collective thoughts and all of our cognitive memories and store them say on a hard drive. Weird right, but if you could basically save your life on a hard drive, who's to say you couldn't then just get a new body and transfer everything back into the new one. And everybody would be connected to everything in a new version of the Internet called the 'RAID' Resource And Information Database. I don't know...just making that one up. But what it is supposed to mean is that instead of a few stupid webpages like this one here, people actually put 'themselves' online. A LAN would no longer mean Local Area Network, LAN would mean Live Activity Network because it would all be real-time and direct from the person's thoughts.



Maybe it's just a little bit too late for me to be typing into my blog...I'm in a half dream state. But I just can't fall asleep, I look around and just stare at the lights in my room, they stare back and almost scream to not sleep. I won't fight. I took sleeping pills...........not working yet.



Still not...although I do feel a little woozy and kind of strange. But I am the StrangeBum after all so that should be expected right? Of course. I wish I was able to talk about more serious stuff...just can never seem to find the right words to express what I feel about current events. Maybe I will start a second blog, one focusing on what's going on in the world as opposed to what's going on in my world, which I call Earth v.2



I suppose I haven't got much else to say...for any readers out there, stay strange.



StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Regal

I placed eleventh out of forty in a a laser tag tournament.



So anyways...the love of my life...my 'loml'...Sho, just bought me a PSP. It totally rocks! I love that girl so much, she bought me a friggin PSP, I didn't ask for one...and she got it for me. Now that's love.



I really do love Sho though, she is so wonderful, I feel good just holding her close by and feeling the warmth of her sweet breath on my chest...it's mesmerizing. I feel bad that she and I couldn't go into town tonight, we were planning on getting Strange and watching ATHFCMFFT. That by the way means...Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters. It looks ridiculously badass.



I've not got a whole lot else to say...so in other words.



Stay Strange [don't let the head bugs bite]



StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Easter Eggs

This is just a random post. It has no meaning.

Unless you look at it the right way.

Really, you should look at it a litte bit differently.

But if you don't want to then fine whatever.

Unintentionally I may do something amazing.

Let's just sit back and take a look shall we.

Every word could be something deviant.

Not really, but you never know.

Catching a small secret is always fun.

Each day holds another hidden treat.



But for reals, I don't really know what the hell this whole post was about...I was bored and I just had this one thing particular in mind and I felt like doing something about it.



Stay Strange



StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Finished in Last

So anyways...life is has been pretty uneventful lately. Hanging out with Sho and some friends though is always a blast. We always have a great time and tonight we played some WarioWare: Smooth Moves on the Wii. It was so fun. I always love a really fun crazy game to play.



I got into trouble. I want to stop so badly.



And I emailed Netgear about an idea that I've had for awhile now, maybe someone up top will get word of it and I can like sell my idea and get rich, or they may just screw me over. We will see what happens.



I feel like playing WoW right now, but I'm so damn tired I just don't think I can muster up the energy to do it.



Sex is always really great, tonight me and Sho made some really hot loving. Sometimes she makes me feel bad though because I don't always go very long and I get tired. Am I weird for it, I don't think so. I don't think that people generally go for hours at a time, I think that ten minutes is like the average for all couples all over the world, excluding porn and hollywood.



I should probably get some rest, it's Easter. It really snuck up this year. I hadn't even realized that it was Easter, but that means no work and lots of candy...oh yeah.



Stay Strange



StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Rose Bloom...

...and a Cherry Blossom.



Yes...Rose Bloom, you can learn more of that later, when I feel ready to talk about it and show some stuff off. Right now let me tell you about Voodoo PC. I would like to buy one of these monsters one day.



Also, check this out.



It may be a little random, but yeah. It totally kicks ass. Anyways...I'm Strange the lovable Bum. Enjoy!



Saw my Shoginess today...we hung out and had some fun. Watched some Lost. I want to see Aqua Teen Hunger Force colon Movie Film for Theaters. She...well...she doesn't.



Stay Strange



StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

It's Always Sunny in Arizona

Pretty much Arizona is the most ridiculously hot state in all of the United States. I suppose that New Mexico can get just as bad, but I truly think that Arizona gets it worse than any of the other states. But that is only partly the reason why me and my love Sho plan on moving out of here as quickly as possible. I don't plan on leaving the state immediately but eventually, yes, I want to move back further east somewhere.



Ireland.



Yeah...that may be a bit of a stretch for back east, but I would really like to move to like New Zealand or something. But really I need to stay in the US for the most part. My future career, for those who don't know it's animation, can be done in any place in the world and you know communicate through e-mail...yay for technology. But I would rather sit in a studio with a bunch of other animators and just work together and make cartoons and such.



Sho would like to move to Texas, it's her home state, but I don't really want to. Maybe for awhile, but I'm sick of the whole desert like states. I want forests and maybe even some snow in the winter. Minneapolis? Jersey? I don't really know for sure yet. What I do know is that I'm getting sick and tired of Arizona. It friggin sucks here.



But on an update on World of Warcraft...I'm a level 12 Paladin. And I just got Burning Crusade and started both a Draenei Shaman and a Blood Elf Rogue.



But yeah...birthday in like 3 months 6 days.



Stay Strange



StrangeBum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Ooohh...ScribeFire

So anyways,



PerformancingFox has now turned into ScribeFire. I like it more, hopefully it will update to my blog more efficiently than Performancing did.

 

In other news...I'm hungry, but that's not really news. I'm always hungry, however what is news is that I get my check tomorrow and I am so fucking excited. I plan on cashing it and then this weekend I am going to buy some new RAM and update my computer. Fuck yeah.



I need to start playing around with Flash more often, I sort of just stopped playing with it all together for awhile. I started playing World of Warcraft too much and just didn't pay mind to it. I really need to spend more time with it especially if I plan on making cartoons for the rest of my life...yeah I do really want to do that. Don't really ask me why I don't really know why myself, it just seems like it would suit my lifestyle and all that shiz.



Snuke.



StayStrange



Strangebum

Powered by ScribeFire.

Well hello there

Jerry...I don't know sometimes.



Well, yeah anyways, work sucks. To help deal with the pain and suffering a little distraction is in order.



I know...I know. World of Warcraft, oh shit. But I used to play Final Fantasy XI and I was only mildly hooked on it, I don't see myself getting too hooked on this game. It's gonna happen dammit, I know it will.



Yeah...Level 8 Human Paladin. I'm a newb, just started.



Have fun with your lives....if you get the chance join the online sensation and join the Llane realm and come play with me...name is Strangebum.



Stay Strange biotches



StrangeBum

powered by performancing firefox

Blowholes in Dementia

Fantastique....



Let me start off by saying, I'm very tired. I don't even know when the last time I felt this tired was. It had to have been long ago. And I got a lot of sleep last night, so I don't even know why I'm so tired.



You should definitely read the Ender's Game series of books if you haven't already [I'm addressing you, supposing I actually have more readers than just my Sho]. But it possibly holds the best story in any science fiction novel I have ever read. And maybe it's just me not knowing shit about philosophy, but it seems philosophical too. Maybe it's just the way a good sci-fi novel should seem. It definitely stirs up thoughts on religion though, at least for me, and that always leads somewhere interesting in my mind.



I have yet to recover from my absurd cell-phone bill, I get a check this Friday, hopefully I can recover then.



But I'm going to play some 'Cave Story' now, you should check it out, it's very fun.



Stay Strange



StrangeBum

powered by performancing firefox

Ira en Tristitia

Well, I am no longer in such a happy mood as I had been for the past few days. I am just really getting tired of what is going on in my life. My car is dying on me, my cell phone bill was outrageous, I haven't had money for gas in a while, I'm trying to get into college, I can't seem to land a full time job. I'm in desperate need of money and I just can't seem to find it anywhere. It's like my entire life is falling when it's all supposed to be going so well. I mean, I'm turning eighteen in only like four months, and I know it's still a ways away, but things are supposed to be happy and fun at this point in my life.



The only thing that makes things tolerable is having Sho around with me, she seems to keep me in high spirits most of the time. Sure, she angers me, but I love her. She couldn't anger me with what she does if I didn't have feeling for her, but I truly do love the hell out of her.



What else...not much I guess. I wish I could have a smoke right now, but I'm not allowed, Sho doesn't like it. I don't blame her either, smoking is really a bad habit, but I'm just so stressed about things a cigarette would just be nice. Maybe later.



Stay Strange



StrangeBum

powered by performancing firefox

[late night]

So, I've found myself being pulled into the story of the show Inuyasha. And dammit, I wish that I hadn't started watching it. It is nice that I have something else to talk to my love about now, but it's like taking up so much of my time. An hour every Mon-Thurs and at 11pm it can be a strain on my sleep. Especially when I have work the next morning, but oh well. Futurama comes on next and I like to watch it before sleep.



In other news, well...there really isn't anything else to talk about. I just figured I should make it habit to type in here every day. So I guess that I will just start talking about the day's events in each post. I have work tomorrow, so expect something interesting.



I've decided that it's late. Yeah, I have to decide that, it's not like there is any definitive way of saying it is. So I'm done typing for now.



StrangeBum

powered by performancing firefox

Well...Hello and hello again

This is just a little break in another seemingly dull day. However, things just might be getting better soon. Tomorrow is my mine and my fiance's one year anniversary. At times, it seems both like it was shorter and longer than an actual year. All of the stuff that we went through, and it's just a very long story.



So, it's been one year, and now we just have the rest of our lives together. But other than that, I'm starting to get myself back on the college track. I've been teaching myself how to use Flash still and I'm getting the hang of it slowly, but surely.



So yeah, here I lay on the couch watching an old episode of Futurama, waiting to go to sleep and wake up to see the love of my life, typing in my blog and you know what? Life could not be any better.



Stay Strange



StrangeBum

powered by performancing firefox

Head Bruise

Ho' all.



Life has been pretty uneventful lately, almost not even working and no time to do anything. Not that I'm really complaining too much. I do wish that I could see the love of my life more often, it just doesn't work out all that often.



So...um...yeah.



Stuff has just not been at all spectacular. I do not know what I'm going to do with my life, and I suppose that part of the purpose of this blog is to help discover myself, who I really am. I don't suppose I ever will though, seeing as how I'm changing all the time. At the time, I want to deal with film and directing it. At first I thought, "Yes, a film director, how perfect!" but now my interests have started to change to more along the lines of "Hmm, let's move away from that type of film and move into more like cartoons."



So that's how things are starting to develop. I'm teaching myself how to make cartoons in Flash and my new life dream as stupid as it sounds is to work for Williams Street. And for the uninitiated, Williams Street is the creative genius behind the shows of [adult swim]. I know, it's lame, but that is truly what I would like to be doing now. Maybe, just maybe I can actually create something that would fly with them and get into the ranks, but until then I will keep practicing and submitting to both my deviantArt and newgrounds, so as soon as I do, expect some links.



Stay Strange. And Sleep Soft (bedtime for me)



StrangeBum

powered by performancing firefox

Trying to fix Performancing Fox

I'm sitting here, trying to get Performancing Fox to work again, and I'm not sure it will.



If I do end up fixing it, this is going to be one tiny ass post, haha.



Okay

[edit]
Remarkable, all I did was re-input my blog address into Performancing and 'disco' it works again. I swear to god, sometimes computers just hate me for whatever reason.

StayStrange

StrangeBum

powered by performancing firefox

First of All

Dammit...I'm sort of pissed off right now. I'm a Firefox user, as everyone should be, and had downloaded this really great plug-in that allows me to post here without having to actually come to blogger dot com every time. It worked flawlessly on my old desktop and now it just seems to well not. So it's not a big deal, just irritating. This new laptop has been causing me so much trouble lately, it's fun but sometimes it is just bothersome.

Secondly, I need to post this link so that Google will be able to find my site.

For you Google.

Lastly, I'm tired and quite hungry at the moment, I think that I am going to go make something to eat and maybe a nice hot cup of chai. So until next time.

Stay Strange
StrangeBum

The Accomplice

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Welly welly well

Okay, so not much has really been happening as of late.



Still working at BestBuy, still waiting to get my laptop. Yes, I decided that I want to get a laptop as my present. I am going to save up and buy myself that television that I have been wanting (32" widescreen LCD hd-tv) /drool.



Oh yeah, so I can't wait to get that, shouldn't take too long. At least I hope not, and yeah, it will still be awhile before I am able to get the laptop, but I might be getting a cheapy from my girlfriends parents because they can't use it anymore. No OS, so I said I would take it. I plan on installing Linux Knoppix onto it and using it for fun stuff like 'wardriving' and maybe put some lame games on it.



Ummmm....yeah, that's it for today.



Until next time,

StrangeBum

powered by performancing firefox

First Post

Well hello there.



After having started this blog for about a week I am finally getting around to starting my first post. And like most of them will be from this point forward, rather boring and uninspired. Of course, one should expect the occasional rant, and the little story here and there. Actually, more or less, that's what I plan on having in here most of the time.



Well, to get to why I decided to start with the post anyways. I have finally graduated, not college (not yet anyhow); no, I have finally made my way through the 13 years from Kindergarten all the way up to High-school graduate, I rock. Well, at the start of my high-school, career I suppose it would be, my parents goaded me to not drop out and actually take it seriously with the promise of a sweet new laptop once I finished. Now it's not that they worried about me dropping out so much, it's just that neither of them did and they wanted to see me make a better life for myself.



Now I am done with school, starting college in the fall, and they have to get me a nice new computer. I didn't even remember that they had promised me one until my mother mentioned it. However, now that it is time for them to get it, they have plagued me with decisions, I really hate making decisions. The thing is, part of the money I will owe to my college is for a laptop, now I figured that I would use the one they provide strictly for school, it's an Apple (I'm not an Apple fan, but it has what I need for my studies). So I thought it might be nice to get a laptop for my personal use, I have been wanting to purchase one for quite some time now. However, I was told that I could instead get a new television (another product I have been meaning to purchase) or even a new digital camcorder to use for my schooling. You see, I am going to be a film major.



So now here I sit, driving myself mad, trying to decide what I would like most. I shall make a pros and cons list, I love making them and it could prove very useful. For now, I bid you adieu, and will return not so much later.



StrangeBum

powered by performancing firefox