Shallow Alaska

Man..how fucking hectic my emotions can become sometimes..I completely fucking broke down today. I think part of it was because I was having bad nic-fits and also because I just felt, I guess, shunned. I know Sho loves me and cares for me deeply. But she sure knows how to fuck over my emotions too, and I guess it's my fault for being too emotional sometimes, but damn.

I just really love her greatly, and I don't ever want anything to bring us apart again. And it seems like I might become that downfall, I really need to become more stable, but I've been through so much with her, I can't fucking help it. Hopefully I can better myself for her. I know I can, but I want to quickly.

It's not exactly easy
I've been here before
My stomach feeling queasy
As I'm reaching for the door
I just want to get out
Get back to my love
But as much as I may shout
It never is enough
I'm killing myself to leave
But I'm not dying on her
A bit further and I'm free
And my feelings sum up in a word
Love, that's what I feel
It's right there before me
It almost isn't real
Even though I can see
I'm out of that black hole
The door was open, her inside
Her love makes me whole
My love for her I confide
I reach for her hand
She pulls away, and why
I pull myself to stand
As I stare into her eyes

"I love you, my dear
You helped me through it all
I got past my fear
and up over my wall"
A smile across her face
A warmth rushes my veins
Beside her I take my place
And then we hold hands
We march out of darkness
Towards a bright future
It's song, beautifully hearkens
Our love, made so pure

Stay Happy

OddBum

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Hold is Like Hell

Here I am, stuck on hold. Kill me.

Talking with someone special and very dear to me though, my Sho. How I very deeply love and care for her.

Typing with one hand is a hindrance.

I really love her so much though, I'm constantly just overwhelmed with feelings of love and happiness now and she is the source of it all. Sho means the world to me, more than the world to be honest.

Dammit, fuck hold, fuck one-handed typing, I am not a fucking cripple. I'm just tired, cranky and want to shower.

StayStrange

Fuck'pleasehold'Bum

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Inside a Broken Mind

Inking on my soul, a touch of gray

A lost light finds it's way

Beaming brilliantly, shining so bright

Fluorescent flames flicker their light



I've become to start to feel better about life, things seem to be looking up. I hope that this isn't just a false hope though, I really want to be happy again and be able to give happiness. I know that I can, I'm always confident in myself. Please god, I've prayed to you so much as of late, let this work out please.



I had the lucky experience of being able to live alone this weekend as my family was on a vacation. I felt liberated I guess you could say and it's really excited me about getting my own place and getting a life started. And I know just the girl that I want to start that life with, and I'm not able to fathom it being with anyone else other than her. I love her dearly, we have had our spouts and our differences but nothing has changed, the love that was there since the very beginning is still there stronger than ever.



I feel like a prayer has been answered and I feel so remarkable. Mano de cristo has sincerely touched my soul and life and uplifted it.



Stay Strange



LiberatedBum

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A New Leaf

Something just fell from the sky. A leaf with my name on it. I only spared it a glance, it looked like any ordinary leaf does, brown with the kiss of winter's death on it's lips. But then I looked more closely and the veins held hope, there was life in this leaf. I picked it up, I could feel the energy inside of it. It was a comforting feeling, so I planted this leaf. I planted it knowing that a leaf does not give life, but it only contains it. So with no hope I dug it a grave to lay it to rest. A tree sprouted from that small little grave, it's growing larger and larger as the time goes on. Days turn into seconds, weeks into minutes and years into hours. It's larger than life, this new tree, that sprouted from this leaf of life.



I sit underneath the tree, the warmth of energy that I held in my hand only moments before had become great. It surrounded me, I bathed in this life. It brought peace to my once diluted mind. I look towards the heavens between it's branches, the sun pours it's love down on the earth. And I can hear the voice of God whispering to me as the wind caresses over each new leaf. He says 'Quiet my son, relax my son, let me lull you to sleep. I shall bring you into the heavens with me, sit beside my throne and tell me your stories. But first, you must complete those stories, this is but a small chapter in your book. Now go, forget this place and don't come back, the pleasure, while not false, is also not truth. You must find the truth and write it in your book.'



And so I stand. I touch the tree, I even hug the tree, knowing that what it had given me was more than a man could ask for. I tell it goodbye, knowing that it could hear my words and take them in and continue. And so I walk off, not another glance backwards. I see new trees on the horizon and wonder what they may hold for me, I can sense both one energy fading, and yet so much more bustling with excitement waiting for me.



I will continue with this story of mine, and add chapter by chapter, until at long last when my time has finally come I will begin the last chapter of my life. But from my book, new books will arise, new stories will unfold to infinite measures. That is all one can do, and that is all that I, the storyteller, will do.

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Open your eyes

Open up your eyes...



See the world around you and take in the sights...



'I can't. I just can't fucking do it.'



Heroism is a thing of the past...nobody is a hero anymore....



'I tried so goddam hard....what the fuck happened?'



Cyanide, gunshot, knife wound.....



Forgive....forget....for love....



'Kill me now, please oh god, just do it.'



A final goodbye, one final horrific memory....

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Options...

I'm starting to wonder....

Life seems so abysmal, things are darker...things have changed.

I don't know who I am. I can't find myself anymore.

Oh, what a wonderful world................

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So It Seems

I feel like I am not destined to be in a happy relationship.

I fucked up my chances with Sho once, so far to the point of her leaving me. And even after our departure from being with one another, I fucked things up again. In my last post I wrote some things that were hurtful to her, about me needing to find someone new. In retrospect I was wrong in what I had written. At the time, I felt so alone and lost and all I do in here is type my thoughts of the moment. I don't write a draft before coming in here to type anything, it makes it pure and unadulterated. Maybe that's the wrong way of going about it though. I never meant for it to seem like I had no feelings for her, I still care for her more deeply than ever. It's just that at that time, I had no hope in ever getting back together with her and I had no idea as to what I should do.

Yes I do want to be loved again, I want that feeling of having someone care for me. I would much rather that be Sho if anybody though. I don't just want some chick, I want her more than any other woman out there. And to her I apologize. Sho, I will never find another woman who cares for me and for whom I can care for the way we did. I will never be over you, all through my life you will be there in my mind and in my heart. Don't let my stupidity and rashness deter you from me. Leave me for now, I know you want and need to be away from me. I was not a great person to you. I don't want to move on from you yet. I honestly don't. I do not want to have to be in the dating scene, it scares me, quite frankly. Just know that no woman can ever replace what we had together. I will retain hope again, I know now that it may not be truly and completely over between us.

Again, I will wait for you. I will wait as long as I can. Time heals all wounds, but with time things change. Don't run back to me yet. Find yourself and find where your heart lies. If it doesn't lay with me, let me know. Tell me when the day comes, and push me Sho. Push me away, it may pain both of us, but it must be done. Push me out the door with no shoes and I will tread a path in the forest of life. Twisting and turning through the trees, dodging log and stone underfoot. I may meet you in there, somewhere in a clearing where all is at peace. I may not. I may end up in a forest fire, having to run back. I most certainly will come across all sorts of beasts, friend and foe. And I will take them as they come. But for now, I will sit on the edge awaiting your decision.

StayStrange

LostBum

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Number Thirty Nine

Wow...Sho and I are through. Completely done with one another, and yet we are still at one another's throats every now and then. Fucking, it sucks, we used to be such a great couple. Happy and in love, and now we can't even be friends and talk to one another without getting pissed.

So, other than that, I'm a bachelor now. I'm not sure what I am going to do. I guess I will be out on the prowl for a new woman now. I really don't want to rush into things though with anyone. I'm not the kind of guy who is just looking for his next 'fuck'. I don't think so anyways, I would like to think that I would like to find a woman to love and be loved by. I really hope that I can find that again too, maybe not now, maybe not ever. But I'm a hopeful type of person.

For now though, I guess I need to meet new girls, get to know them decide what to do once I meet some. For now...

Au Revoir

StrangeBum

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You Choose

Greatness..what holds 'greatness'? There is no such thing as truly 'great', only the meek, the feeble. And yet, who holds not pride in himself, holds himself amongst the 'greatest'? All men do, it is his nature to feel like being, 'great', was meant for him. But no, it shall not happen, all men are doomed to a place of 'standard' and it's not that they failed at the better, but because they couldn't get there at all. As hard as a man may struggle, he will never be more than what he is. That is why in this world we must trust each to be as great as they say, because there is no way around it.

Depravity..noone wants it. So why take it, because you feel you deserve it. Wrong, all men are standard and average. If you think you are great, then we believe you are great.

Which sounds better?
Hint: It's the first one.

StrangeBum

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A Bush will Burn

Life sure has a funny way of working out huh?

I'm not the complaining type, haha yeah right. But I'm happy, I'm enjoying things. I have my Shoga back in my life. That is all that matters to me.

I've told her so many times that I am going to pour my heart and soul into making her happier than she ever has been. And I honestly mean it, I'm going to do whatever it takes to give her a better life.

God knows how much I love her, how much I care for her, how devoted I am to her, how much I honestly and truly care for her. So I've just got to live and let live. She doesn't believe that I am her Lifemate anymore, but the day she told me about what that was I have never stopped believing it. It's going to take some time, and alot of work on my part to show her that it is still the truth, but you know what. That's fine, anything for her is okay with me.

My feelings for her are the most pure and honest feelings a person can ever expect to feel. I really hope that when she reads this that she knows that it is the complete and honest most purest truth that I have ever told.

My Shoga, I am entirely devoted to you and only you, I care for you, I love you.

StayStrange